The curious case of an Indian Cricket Fan

Flashback : Feb 2011
Team India is favorite to win the world cup. This team has the best chance of winning the prestigious cup of all the teams that India has fielded till now. Dhoni and co are getting praises which were not conferred on any other team before.

Cut to 14th March 2011
Team India has lost a close match, tied another. They are being criticized and we are told this team has no chance of winning the cup. The batsman are a bunch of losers and captain has lost his mind. Bowling can not be called an attack, at best it is a defense mechanism which can not even defend a par score :P. Every Tom, Dick and Harry and their cousin can take better decisions than a certain hyped and useless captain.

Confusing ??
Off course it is, but the truth is somewhere in between. A little bit of prudence says that the team was not as great as it was made out be 3 weeks before and neither is it as bad as it is portrayed right now.

It takes just one match to form reputation and another to destroy it in a cricket mad country called India. The Indian cricket fan belongs to a peculiar species. An average cricket fan from India has abused and worshipped the same player at different points of time. Nothing wrong with that, since a player goes to different phases in a long career. Sometimes it looks like he can do no wrong and sometimes Geff Boycott's mother seem to be a better bet than him. But the extent to which he is scrutinized in the public eye is exemplary.

I understand that people are passionate about cricket. The way cricket unites the country, there is nothing else that does it in the same way. But the way they over react is beyond comprehension. There is a thin line between being partisan and being jingoistic and I am afraid we have crossed that line long time back. There is no need to get your blood boiling over someone getting hit for a six, no need to involve mother-sister of a batsman for a reckless shot and I might get killed for this but no need to make someone a deity because he plays the straight drive like no one else in this world could, can and will ever do.

And as far as the cricketers are concerned. They need not worry, they can die another day. They are still in the cup. One good match and everything will be forgotten. India has an outside chance of winning the cup since they have to win 3 knockout matches and this world cup is the most open world cup since 1996, But so are the chances of many other teams.

So dear Indian cricket fan, please sit back, relax and off course discuss the tactics of the game but if you can watch only the matches where your team wins, please go to youtube, live TV is not for you.

And dear Indian cricketers, you need not worry. This scrutiny goes on for few days, but everything comes back to normality. I am sure you will qualify for the knockout stage and play to the best of your ability. And even if you lose after that, there is a certain Indian Phoohad League awaiting, which will take care of an average Indian Cricket Fan.

PS: If you happen to be an Indian cricket fan and you were hurt by this (which is another famous trait of you). My sincere apologies. Please don't burn my effigies, stone my house, destroy my bike or engage in similar destructive behavior. 

Main stream media - I

This post is dedicated to all Sagarika Ghosh fans. I am not going to do an introduction here, her name is enough. If you do not know her, you can stop reading the post here.

She conducted a 'debate' after the phenomena of spot fixing by Pakistani players happened. And here are her tweets about the same.

1. Ponting says western cricketers have different values from south asians: are we just a congenitally corrupt society? FTN at 10pm
1. Oh, I think we must be a congenitally corrupt society since Mr. Ponting whose 'integrity can not be questioned' says so
2. Good morning. Depressing views from panelists last night on FTN. cheating and dishonesty hardwired into the subcontinetal dna..
1. Yes, I definitely think that only subcontinental dna has this problem. All other dnas are clean and such skullduggery is not in their dna, So what if they were punished for this.
3. We need a mental revolution. a moral renaissance. each one of us has to inculcate personal honesty at all levels
1. Yes I think we do. But I did not know that it is because some cricketers took some money. Thanks for letting us know.
4. sadly our religions too have become degraded. noble spirit of hinduism reduced to minority bashing. islam used for violence and mayhem.
1. Oh, thats deep ! spot fixing -> corrupt society -> degraded religion, hinduism, islam  -> minority.  I could have never gained this foresight, Thanks, thanks a lot !
5. something drastic needs to happen. panelists believe shock treatment from West and globalisation will force us to adhere to norms..
1. Oh yeah, we need to be royally spanked by the west (our big daddys), so that we behave properly.
6. when society loses its spiritual core, moral collapse follows When spirituality itself becomes political& violent, god is dead
1. Oh ho ho, this is something I still can not sight. Truly genius of you.

Miss Ghosh, you are truly a boon for us mere mortals. It is a privilege for all dishonest people with corrupt dnas to get enlightened by you. I hope you keep educating us on issues ! 

Women: the mystery unraveled

'In the beginning, when Twashtri (the Divine Artificer) came to the creation of woman he found that he had exhausted his materials in the making of man and that no solid elements were left. In this dilemma, after profound meditation, he did as follows: he took the rotundity of the moon, and the curves of the creepers, and the clinging of tendrils, and the trembling of grass, and the slenderness of the reed, and the bloom of flowers, and the lightness of leaves, and the tapering of the elephant's trunk, and the glances of deer, and the clustering of rows of bees, and the joyous gaiety of sunbeams, and the weeping of clouds, and the fickleness of the winds, and the timidity of the hare, and the vanity of the peacock, and the softness of the parrot's bosom, and the hardness of adamant, and the sweetness of honey, and the cruelty of the tiger, and the worm glow of fire, and the coldness of snow, and the chattering of jays, and the cooing of kokila, and the hypocrisy of the crane, and the fidelity of the chakravaka; and compounding all these together, he made  woman and gave her to man'. 

                                         - excerpts from The Digit of the Moon by F.W. Bain

Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge - II

Warning : If you have not seen DDLJ, you might miss the fun.

Raj : simran, hamein bhagna hi hoga. Ye log hamari shadi nahi hone denge simran.


Simran : Ye tum kya kah rahe ho raj. Tum to kahte the ki tum yahan kisi ka dil todne nahi, dil jeetne aaye ho. Hamari shadi tabhi hogi jab babuji mera hath khud tumhare hathon mein denge. Tumhara irada kyun badal gaya raj?


Raj : simran, main janta hun tum kya soch rahi ho. Tumhe lagta hai ki main bahut hi awara kism ka ghatiya ladka hun. Par aisa nahi hai simran, main janta hun ki ek hindustani ladki ki izzat kya hoti hai. Maine kabhi sapne mein bhi tumhe bhagane ke baare mein nahi socha tha.


Simran : phir ab aisa kya ho gaya raj ? Yaad hai tumhari maa kya kaha karti thi tumse. "Beta, zindagi ke har mod pe tumhe do raste milenge ek galat aur ek sahi. Galat rasta asaan hoga, tumhe apni taraf kheenchega. Aur jo sahi rasta hoga, ho sakta hai usmein tumhe kadi mushkilon ka samna karna pade, bahut taklif mile; par yaad rakhna akhir mein jeet tumhari hi hogi."


Raj : wo sab to theek hai simran lekin .......


Simran : lekin kya raj ? Ab to tum mere babuji ko bhi jan gaye ho. Thode kadak mijaj hain, par agar tum roj hamare ghar kaam karne aaoge, maa ka rasoi mein hath bataoge, chutki pe apna fraud gentleman image jhadoge, buaji ke liye saree kharidkar unhe maska lagaoge. Subah 5 baje uthkar, dhoti pahankar, kabootaron ko dana daloge; to babuji tumse jaroor impress ho jayenge raj. Tum mere liye itna bhi nahi kar sakte !


Raj : simran, tum galat samajh rahi ho. Ghar ke kaam karne mein mujhe koi aitraj nahi hai (Main aur koi kaam kar bhi nahi sakta) Aur ladkiyon (Auraton) ko dana dalne mein bhi mujhe koi problem nahi hogi (Akhir tumko bhi to aise hi pataya tha), Rahi baat babuji ki.. simarn wo sab to main kar hi raha hun, roj subah subah dhoti pahankar kheton mein jata hun, kabootaron ko dana dalne. Ab to wahan ke kabootar bhi "tujhe dekha to ye jana sanam..." gane lage hain. Aur babuji ...... mujhe apne pyaar pe poora bharosa hai ki aaj nahi to kal wo maan jayenge.


Simran : Phir tum kis baat se ghabra rahe ho raj ? You are "The Raj Malhotra" (Who failed in a london university) yaad hai tumhe; jab tumne mujhse poocha tha.. pyar karti ho mujhse? bharosa hai mujh par ? to maine tumse kya kaha tha


Raj : Yaad hai simran, sab yaad hai. Par jitna bharosa tumhe is Raj par hai, utna hi bharosa mujhe us Raj par.


Simran : Kya matlab ???


Raj : simran, yeh sab jo tumhe yaad hai, wo ddlj-I tha. Ab ddlj-II chal rahi hai. Aur ismein tum aur tumhare babuji punjabi nahin, marathi hain, aur main ek north indian. MNS ne press conference mein yeh elaan kiya hai ki keval 'sons of the soil' hi marathi ladkiyon se shadi kar sakte hain. Outsiders ne hamari naukriyan to cheen hi li hain, chokriyan ham nahin cheenne denge. ab tum hi batao simran main kya karun.. mujh jaise ek north indian ka vanmanoos se shadi karna asaan hai, par ek marathi manoos se nahi.


Simran : ye kya kah rahe ho raj. Raj hi mere raj ka dushman ban gaya ?


Raj : han simran, hamare pass koi aur rasta nahi hai, hamein bhagna hi hoga. hamein bhagna hi hoga simran.


Before they could run away after seeking the blessings of his pops and her babuji, MNS got the news. They came with lathis and guns, kuldeep also joined them and started beating everybody. Raj (malhotra), his pop, her babuji, ajeete and everybody. No gurror ko lalkarna buisness worked to awake the hidden fighter in Raj and all of them got thrashed brutally by the MNS.

In between all this mayhem, raj found a chance to utter his final dialogues

Raj : simran, maine pahle hi kaha tha tumse, ki chalo bhag chalte hain. Tum hi nahi mani. Par jo bhi hua, shayad sahi hua simran. Ye (MNS wale) hamare neta hain, ham inhe vote dekar parliament bhejte hain. Hamein koi haq nahin banta ki ham apni khushi ke liye inke samman ko thes pahunchayein. Akhir ye hamare neta hain, hamara bhala bura hamse behtar samajh sakte hain. Tumahri shadi mujh jaise kisi awara ladke se nahi ho sakti. To kya hua agar ye awara tumhein diwanon ki tarah pyar karta hai, to kya hua agar use tumhare alawa aur koi chehra dikhai nahi deta. To kya hua simran, to kya hua ..... pyar sab kuch to nahi hota na.


And he hops into the local train without simran (since there was MNS, it was mumbai. And since it was mumbai, there was local train). Simran is crying and pleading to the MNS workers. In fact everybody is pleading.. that fellow kuldeep also starts feeling sympathetic towards her. But MNS is made of tough people. Their resolve could not be broken by some stupid romance.. to kya hua agar (oh forget it.. these corny dialogues suit only a hippy looking, stammering srk)

Now, there are two options for the climax :

The first is that MNS will not let simran run towards the train. So, in that case this movie may need to be titled differently. "Soil-wale dulhaniya le jayenge"

The second option is that MNS heart (I presume they also have heart, head, brain; please avoid the debate) melts and the leave simran's hand saying... " ja simran ja, jee le apni jindagi; is ladke se jyada pyar tujhe aur koi nahi kar sakta" . simran will run, raj will hang at the train gate (he was hanging from the gate anyway.. mumbai local remember). But simran will still be not able to make it (It is tough enough to catch a standing local, forget a running one. What were you thinking simran). And mumbai will "move-on" from this tragedy. After-all 'bade bade (pra)deshon mein aisi choti choti baatein hoti rahti hain"

So irrespective of the two possible climaxes, the movie will still be titled " Soil-wale dulhaniya le jayenge"

Disclaimer : The author was watching DDLJ, when he started reading a news regarding marathi pride. So he had a deadly cocktail for his mind, and the result was a nasty hangover. So, if anybody is offended, please forgive the author for his drunken like state. And yeah... when i said MNS, i meant Marathi Nari Sena, not that MNS. You controversy loving sickos :P

Pursuit of happiness

The Childhood Exploits

I had a haircut this weekend ( Yes .. the hairline is climbing upwards in pursuit of its everest mission, but i still do have hair in my head). Thanks to the haircut, the scar right over my chota magaj (for those who are confused, watch krantiveer) was clearly visible. So like it happens every time i have a haircut, people started asking "what happened to your head man ?"

And then i tell them that i got this gift on my 3rd birthday (it might be 4th birthday also... i am not sure). And suddenly i realize what a tiny unlucky fellow i was. It's another story all together, that my parents will prefer to call me a notorious kid they have got. Well.. i still stand by my version, don't believe me ?? Read this

• The first one is about that chota magaj only. It was 30th june, i was happy, dancing around, singing my nursery poems and then i fell down from good descent height into a gutter (yuck). It was dry but it had stones there :(, and then it was no longer dry, it was filled with my blood now. This incident gave me that famous scar which is reminded to me every time i get a haircut. Note the day... it was my birthday !!
  
• Then one fine day i was again very happy, dancing around, singing my nursery poems ......again. Not a place, where you should dance around... 'the kitchen'. Somehow managed to drop a paunsil / sarouta (An instrument used to cut vegetables / kairi) and had a head-on collision with that thing. I lost my senses, when i saw blood flowing from my knee. I still carry that memory with a good 6 inch scar in my knee. Note the day... it was Krishna Janmashtami !!
  
• In one of those humpty dumpty days, i was playing in the streets. A monkey came from somewhere and took my toy car with him. All the other kids were running away from that monkey. And I 'the daredevil' went up to him, shouted at him " give my car back to me". He rewarded me with not one...... many tight slaps, tore my shirt apart, pulled my hair to the extent of removing some of them from my scalp. I don't think it was my birthday or an auspicious day, but i had a sakshat darshan of hanumanji. It was no less than a 'day to remember' for me, i still get frightened when i see a monkey (even if its in my distant dreams)
• Now my nursery poem singing days were over, but not my heydays. I was playing cricket and i had slippers on. Then i realized, that i am not able to run at my full speed because of the slippers. I started playing barefooted so that i could save extra runs (If ganguly had this much dedication for fielding, he would not have been ousted from indian cricket team). While saving one such extra run, i run over a broken glass and surprise surprise.... i got my gift again, a scar in the foot (But this one did not turn out to be my soulmate, it has gone now). Now note the day again.... it was Dipawali !!
  
• Cricket reminds me of another incidence. I was playing cricket with my younger brother. He was bowling (obviously; since by hook or crook, i always ended up batting and he ended up bowling whenever we played cricket). I can still recall the flashback, he came charging towards the bowling crease ala shoaib akhtar. I hit a straight drive ala sachin tendulkar which flied directly towards my brother's face. To his misfortune it was a hard plastic ball, it hit him right at his lips and he lost a precious tooth. My mom scolded me for the deed saying.. "thoda dheere dheere nahi khel sakta... tameej se". I was like "Mummy... agar sachin aisa sochta, to kabhi boundry nahi mar pata, agar kapil aisa sochta, to india kabhi world cup nahi jeet pati" But off course i was s*** scared that time and i did not dare arguing with her. And oh... offcourse, note the day, it was Ganesh Chaturthi !!
  
• There are enough wounds, burns and injuries which i don't remember....... because they did not happen on an auspicious day !!!

Wacky Definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through 'the minds of either'

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death